¡El Chapulín Colorado!

“¡Que no panda el cúnico!” - El Chapulín Colorado

This is a dog story; no mission memoire would be complete without one. But first, let me tell you about a character on a popular Mexican television show; El Chapulín Colorado

El Chapulín Colorado is a bumbling superhero who, in spite of his idiocy, is able to always save the day through slapstick, puns, and because...well...it is in the script. He dresses up in a silly costume with antennas on his head. His superhero name means “the colorful grasshopper.”

The quote at the top of this post is one of his catchphrases. It is the Spanish equivalent of shouting "Pobody nanic!" when you meant to shout "Nobody panic!"

Now that I have introduced you to El Chapulín, I’ll get to the dog part of the story. Don’t worry, this will make sense by the end.

One unusually cool day my companion and I decided to go tracting in a well-to-do part of town, “knocking” on doors. We were happily making our way down the street, getting politely rejected repeatedly but enjoying the walk and the refreshing weather. Eventually we came to a house that had an unusual two-foot-high fence around the yard. There was a 15 foot walk from the fence to their front porch. We stood outside the fence and clapped loudly, watching the windows like hawks for any signs of movement, which we saw. Knowing they were home, but not getting any response, we switched from clapping to yelling out, “¡Buenos dias!” Still getting no response, I decided to step over the low fence, walk up to the porch and tap on the door, just so we knew we tried all our options. Convinced I was wasting my time, my companion waited for me in the street.

SIDE NOTE: Actually, we very seldom physically “knocked” on a door. I don’t think I ever saw a wooden door my entire mission. Almost without exception, doors were either made of sheet metal, or there were no doors on the house at all. If there was a door we would gently tap the metal with a pen or small rock and the sound would reverberate throughout the entire house. If there was no door, or if there were a fence preventing us from reaching the door, we would either clap loudly or yell out “¡Buenos dias!” or “¡Buenas tardes!” until someone came to the door.

After I had tapped twice on the door, I heard a dog barking. It was one of those shrill yapping barks, like a little ankle biter. Not concerned in the least, I tapped again. More yapping, but this time I could hear that the yapping was moving away from the door, towards the back of the house. I turned to my companion to speak, but the look on his face stopped me before I could say a word. In a split second he had gone from that dark shade that Mexicans call “moreno” to a shade I call “ghost,” his eyes wide and fixated on a point to the left of the house, just outside my field of  vision. As I turned to see what was the matter, a dog the size of a shetland pony came barrelling at full speed around the corner, not 5 feet from me. There was a blurred flurry of activity, and the next thing I knew I was standing in the middle of the street with the contents of my pockets littering the ground in a 10-foot radius around me (A pen, my wallet, missionary nametag, pocket-sized notebook, the white missionary handbook and our folding yellow agendas, my vial of consecrated oil and a penknife, to be exact).

The dog had stopped just short of the low fence that he could have crossed without even  jumping. I was amazed at the sheer size of this dog. He seemed to come up to my shoulder when he was on all fours. But what was even more amazing to me is the sounds he was making. Out of his huge beast-dog mouth came a tiny little yap, just like what I heard when I assumed that an ankle biter was in the house.

El Chapulín Colorado, always ready for anything!

After the fact, my companion told me that I leapt from a standstill on their porch all the way across the 15-foot yard, clearing the little mini-fence and landing in the street, my pockets having emptied themselves mid-flight.

Ever since he called me El Chapulín Colorado.

Faith to be healed

Lay your hands upon the sick, and they shall recover. Return not till I, the Lord, shall send you. Be patient in affliction. Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. (D&C 66:9)

Hispanics give each other really cool names sometimes. Take, for example, the Spanish explorer Álvar Núñez Cabeza de Vaca who explored the Americas. His last name translates to “cow’s head.” Maria Del Rayo, one of our converts, had one of those cool names. Maria Del Rayo means “Maria of the Lightning Bolt.”

Maria was a neat lady. She was a municipal judge and she worked at the Civil Registrar’s office, registering marriages and divorces, etc. I don’t remember how we met Maria, or what sparked her interest in The Church. I do remember that there were a lot of obstacles leading up to her baptism. One of her biggest challenges was her husband. Maria and her husband had a rocky marriage for years. Although he was always very polite to us when we were at their home or if he saw us in the community, he did not like his wife meeting with us. He pressured her in many ways to break off the discussions. After many lessons, Maria decided to accept our invitation to be baptized in spite of her husband’s wishes. We set a baptism date that was a few weeks off, due to some work and family related travel she had scheduled.

We kept visiting Maria whenever she was in town to keep her progressing. The Enemy was working hard on her but she was determined to be baptised on schedule. We were very proud of her, and we held weekly fasts for her benefit.

Finally, the day of her baptism arrived. I woke up with a strange feeling in my gut, but I was excited for the baptism and I just ignored the feeling. My companion and I went through all the steps of preparing: filling the pool, double checking the assignments, making sure the members were invited, etc. As the day wore on I felt increasingly sick. The strange feeling turned into disorientation and vertigo. Then nausea set in. Next a fever and a pounding headache. I was so sick we had to go back to the apartment for me to lie down.

To complicate things, that morning Maria’s husband threatened to leave her if she went through with the baptism. She called us to let us know that the baptism might be canceled. I was bedridden, too sick to move and Maria needed our support. There were about four hours before her baptism.

My companion and I prayed about what we should do. We both felt that if I showed the faith to get out of bed and go see Maria, that the Lord would help us and her. My companion gave me a priesthood blessing, and blessed me that I would be cured and able to help Maria that day.

Still feeling terrible, I stumbled out the door behind my companion. My head was throbbing and a couple of times I had to stop because I thought I was going to be sick. By the time we had walked about three blocks, however, I was feeling slightly better. It felt as if each step towards Maria’s house was a physical improvement. By the time we knocked on her door, I felt completely healthy and strong.

We bore our testimonies to Maria of the gospel and expressed our great appreciation for her and our support for her. We told her we would be waiting at the font at the appointed time, said a prayer with her, and left to set up the chairs at the church.

Maria was baptized on schedule.  

La Llorona

There is a bridge that crosses the marisma and becomes a road running past a large empty field filled with gravel, sand, dust, and the occasional stubborn bush or shrub. This field is sandwiched by the marisma on one side and a busy thoroughfare on the other. The houses that look across the thoroughfare have an uninhibited view of the field and the marisma on the other side.

SIDE NOTE: Once, a member of the ward was walking with us across this field and he freaked us out by telling us that there was quicksand in that field. It seemed legit to me, since we knew that the field actually used to be part of the marisma and there could be pockets of moisture welling up below. It turned out he was just trying to scare us; it worked. We were terrified. 

The Robles family, a part-member family that we loved dearly, lived in one of those houses overlooking the vacant field and marisma. My companion and I were teaching the entire family the discussions and they were progressing enthusiastically. We tried to schedule our appointments with them last so that we could end our days on a high note.

On one of our evening visits we were teaching the second discussion. We arrived at the principle of the Holy Ghost (Espiritu Santo). The family listened respectfully, but we could tell that something was wrong. They all seemed uncomfortable, and the warm cheery feeling in the room abruptly left. We pushed through the principle and asked them questions to see if they understood and find out how they felt about the Holy Ghost, to which they politely murmured the acceptable answers but the discomfort of the room became almost palpable. Finally, I confronted them directly about the elephant in the room. I looked them directly in the eye and said, “Brother and Sister Robles, we have noticed that you seem uncomfortable with this principle. Is there something specific about the Holy Ghost that bothers you?“

Brother Robles stared at his feet. Sister Robles looked steadily at us but said nothing.Their teenage daughter who was usually silent, leaned in and asked solemnly, “Elder, do you believe in Ghosts besides the Holy Ghost?”

My companion and I looked at each other and replied something like “Maybe. Depends. Tell us more about what you believe about Ghosts.” That's when things got really creepy.

The daughter (whose name I cannot remember) leaned in closer and told us the story of La Llorona (The Weeping Woman) in hushed tones and with great conviction. We were sitting around their living room on lawn chairs, our feet resting on the dirt floor, dimly lit by a single bare light bulb. I can’t tell the story the way she did, but I will do my best to summarize it:

Long ago, there was a young woman so beautiful all the young men who saw her competed for her affection. She would have none of them, saying that she would only marry the most handsome man in the land. One day a stunningly handsome young man rode into town. He was so manly, he would only ride wild untamed horses. He was so handsome all the women young and old would swoon to see him pass by.  He was the wealthy son of a rich Ranchero. The young woman caught his eye and they were soon wed. As time wore on, she bare him beautiful children that he loved dearly. However, as she aged, his attentions turned to younger women. One day she took the children for a walk along the river. Her husband rode by driving a team of horses, with an enamored young woman on his arm. He stopped and spoke lovingly to each of the children but did not even look at his wife. Then he rode off. In a fit of rage, the young mother flung her children one by one into the deep waters of the river and they were dragged by the swift current to their deaths. Regretting what she had done, the woman returned every day to the river and wailed, crying out for her children, “¡Ay, mis hijos! ¡Mis hijos!” The woman was dubbed, “La Llorona.” Her apparition has been sighted stalking the banks of bodies of water by night all throughout Latin America, wearing a long, flowing, brilliantly shining white dress and wailing forlornly for her murdered children.

SIDE NOTE: Hispanic mothers have been telling their children this story for years to scare them into obedience. In certain versions of the story La Llorona snatches misbehaving children and drags them to the bottom of a river with her where she spends eternity. 

The daughter finished the story and leaned back in her chair, and Brother Robles looked at us and said, “Hermanos, nosotros hemos visto a La Llorona muchas veces (Bretheren, we’ve seen La Llorona many times).”

Then they took us to the back patio where we looked out across the now vacant thoroughfare and the large empty field. We could vaguely make out the dark form of the marisma at the opposite end of the field. Pointing at the marisma, Brother Robles told us how at least once each week, they saw a glowing apparition accompanied by eerie wailing late at night. Every time it appeared to travel along the bank of the marisma before suddenly being extinguished.

Thoroughly creeped out, my companion and I gave many logical alternatives for the sightings: Light from passing traffic reflecting off the waters of the marisma. Gases venting off the rancid water. The wind. Over-active imaginations. It was after dark and close to the time of our curfew, so we finished up our discussion quickly, left with a prayer and started the walk back to our apartment.

As we crossed the field, we could faintly hear the wind softly moaning. The moans seemed to take shape into actual words, unintelligible at first but then seeming to say “hiiiiijooooosss.” Knowing I was being paranoid, but wanting visual confirmation that I was imagining things, I looked over my right shoulder towards the marisma. It may have been my imagination, but I can still see in my mind’s eye a glowing white form moving slowly away from the bridge along the marisma.

SIDE NOTE:I am certain that I was so spooked by the story and the chilling way it was told, and from being in that part of town after dark, that my imagination was running wild.

The Head in the Marisma

I was surprised to learn how permeable the membrane is between economic classes in Mazatlán. While there are definitely “rich” and “poor” parts of town, there are bits of rich mixed into the poor, and bits of poor mixed into the rich. Typically, in the United States, if a poor person comes into money he will move to a better house in a better part of town. In Mazatlán, often they will stay in the same neighborhood and just improve their home. As a result, you will find neighborhoods where a house literally made out of spare car parts and shipping pallets sits next to a well-constructed, three-story home with a swimming pool in the back.

However, there was a part of Mazatlán with no rich mixed in. It was a part that I wouldn’t dare set foot in now that I am not a missionary. Whenever some lucky soul would find a way to move out, they would take it. What made this particular neighborhood so bad was the Mazatlán marisma.

The marisma is a saltwater marsh that rises and falls with the tides. It has the appearance of a slow moving river, but it is actually connected to the ocean, and the flow of the water changes directions based on whether the tide is ebbing or flowing. It smells like raw sewage that has been fermenting in a dark, warm space for months to a ripe stew. Since plumbing in this part of town was not always reliable (or present), it is very possible that what we were were smelling actually was raw human waste dumped into the marisma in buckets.

SIDE NOTE: The Mexican Spinytail Iguana (ctenosaura pectinata) is a large black, yellow and brown iguana that lives in and around the marisma and can be found there in abundance. Locals told me that they used to eat them, but they had been rendered inedible by the pollution of their habitat. They actually nicknamed them “kakeros” (which roughly translates as “crap-eaters”). They are currently listed as a threatened species.

The worst part of this neighborhood consisted of a street (it was actually a dirt path that somebody eventually gave a name to) that ran directly along the edge of the marisma. Both the families that we baptized lived on this street, so we ended up spending a lot of time there.

The Mazatlán Marisma

My companion and I were on our way to an appointment with one of these families. As we walked along the marisma, we noticed a group of about seven people huddled near the waters edge talking and gesturing excitedly. One of them looked up and saw us approaching. He ran towards us with a manic expression and, throwing his hands into the air, yelled “¡Miralo! ¡Miralo! ¡Les dará el susto de la vida! (Look at it! Look at it! It will give you the fright of your life!).”  Against our better judgement, we looked into the water close to the edge of the street.  There, gently bobbing in the brown, scummy water, was a severed human head.

We heard distant sirens slowly growing louder. Someone must have called the police.

It was gruesome scene, but I felt completely at peace. My companion and I looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and kept walking to our appointment.  I remember being confused that I was not more shocked by what we had just seen. At our appointment we told the family about our experience, and contrasted the panic in the man’s face and voice as he described the “fright of your life” with the peace we felt. We bore our testimonies to them of the peace that the gospel of Jesus Christ brings even during disturbing times and situations. It was a message I believe they understood differently than I, perhaps better. They lived everyday in that environment, while I only experienced it in passing.

We learned later that the head belonged to a 70-year-old homosexual man who was murdered, dismembered and tossed into the marisma by some local gang members.

SIDE NOTE: This was another surprise to me. It had never occurred to me that Mexican men could be homosexual. In my mind they were all cowboy-boot-wearing truck-driving hard-drinking meat-eating macho hombres. While the United States common culture appears to be rapidly accepting and even championing homosexuality, in Sinaloa, Mexico, homosexuals (especially men) were often aggressively persecuted.

DIY Bench From Scrap Wood Tutorial

Last month, I made this sweet little patio table for my wife:

Made from salvaged shipping pallets and an old dilapidated fence. Even the nails and screws were salvaged.

My wife requested a bench to go along with it. We needed the bench to be sturdy enough my kids could be their rambunctious selves on it. It also had to pass my wife's "cute" test. The bench needed to stow neatly underneath the table when not in use. Last but not least, it had to be free. 

Having never done this before, I needed a starting off point. After some quick google searches, I found a great plan on Ana White's blog. Having two kids and two dogs, I knew I'd need something that would stand up to some abuse, so I beefed up the design a little bit. All the materials I used are thicker and I chose a more sturdy method of anchoring the legs. 

Here's what I made:

Ignore the mess!

My bench is 5' long, 1', 5" tall and 1', 5" wide. You can, of course, modify these dimensions to meet your needs. 

Step 1: Make the frame

Step 1.1: Cut the boards (again, modify the measurements to meet your needs)

(2) 2 x 4 x 56.5" - These are the side aprons (the longest side of the frame)

(2) 2 x 4 x 53.5" - These are the seat supports. They'll carry the load placed on the bench.

(2) 2 x 4 x 16" - These are the end aprons (the shortest side of the frame)

I salvaged these boards from an old dilapidated fence that was on its way to the dump.

Here's what the frame should look like all set up. Side aprons sandwiching the end aprons
 which sandwich the seat supports.

Step 1.2: Attach the side aprons to the end aprons

This was easiest to do by stacking the end aprons on top of one of the side aprons, and then placing the other side apron on top to form a rectangle. Then I could drive the nails without pushing the frame all over the place.

Using wood glue on all the joints before you pound the nails will make the bench much more sturdy. Since my kids would be sitting on this, it was important to me that the bench be as sturdy as possible. 

Drive two 3" nails into each joint. It was kind of wobbly and fell more than once, but I got it. 

Step 1.3: Attach the seat supports to the end aprons

Later on, the gap between the seat supports and the side aprons will receive the bench legs. It is very important that this be a tight fit for the leg, so the gap has to perfectly fit a 2 x 4. I recommend using some scrap 2 x 4 as a spacer. 

Add the glue where the seat support will end up. Then force the seat support into the frame (if you cut the boards right this should be a tight squeeze. You might have to tap the board in with a hammer).  Then use the hammer to tap the seat support up against the 2 x 4 spacer. 

Before you pound the nails, remove the spacers and give each end a very light tap with a hammer just to make sure that gap will be a tight fit when you attach the legs later on. Drive two 3" nails into each joint.

Just a reminder, here's what you should have now (but with glue and nails and stuff).

Step 2: Attach the bench top

Step 2.1: Cut the seat slats

If you are modifying the dimensions of the bench, or if you have different sized seat slats to work with you may have to make some adjustments. I just cut 10" lengths from two pickets from an old fence that I salvaged. One was 5 1/4" wide and the other was 5 1/2" wide. 

Step 2.2: Attach the seat slats

Line up the slats on the frame so that the top and bottom edges of each 10" length rest flush with the edge of the seat support. 

Also, center the boards along the length of the frame so the same amount of material hangs off of each edge.

In order to give the bench top a somewhat uniform look and to take advantage of the natural weathering of the wood, I alternated between the reddish slats and the weathered gray slats.

I had about 1 1/2" of seat slat hanging off each end apron.

Attach the seat slats by putting wood glue down on the end apron and along the seat supports. Then drive two 1 1/2" nails through each end of the slat into the seat support.

Start at one end and attach the seat slats one at a time, so that you don't accidentally move the entire bench top towards one end or the other.

Step 2.3: Attach the seat sides

Unfortunately, when you are working with salvaged materials they are not always the highest quality. You always have to fight some warping or other inconsistencies in the wood. In my case, I also have to fight not being able to cut a straight board.

At this point, you'll probably have to do some prep work before you attach the seat sides.

I wanted the seat sides to sit as flush as possible against the ends of the seat slats, so I used a rasp to remove inconsistencies where the slats didn't line up perfectly.

Since I wanted the side slats to hang 3/4" off the edge of the side aprons, I measured the distance from the end of the seat slat to the outside of the side apron. Then I added 3/4" to that to get the distance from the edge of the seat slat I would mark as my cut line.

I was feeling reckless, so I went ahead and attached the seat sides and cut them after they had been glued and nailed down. I used two pickets from a reclaimed fence for the seat sides, and I nailed each down with 6 1 1/2" nails.

Once the pickets were nailed down, I marked my cut lines and used a circular saw to cut the pickets to size.

Here's the bench top with the seat side pickets cut down to size. 

Step 3: Attach the legs

Step 3.1: Cut the legs

I measured a table chair to get a good standard sitting height for the bench. Our table chair sits about 17" off the ground so I went ahead and cut four 16 1/4" lengths out of some scrap 2 x 4 I pulled off an old pallet (the 3/4" of the seat slats make up the rest of the 17" height).


Step 3.2: Jam the legs in there

Remember when we made the gap between the seat supports and the side aprons a tight fit? That'll come in handy now. Put some wood glue on three sides of the leg and really jam it in there.

You'll probably have to tap it in there with a hammer, but don't make the mistake I did. Set the bench on a deck or other hard surface so you don't pound the seat sides out as you force the legs up against them.

Use a hammer to gently tap the base of the leg against the end apron to square away the leg.

Wood glue and two staggered 3" nails driven in will make this more than stable enough for my needs.

Now it looks like a bench!

That's as far as I got. What's left to do? A lot of sanding, sealing, and staining. I'll post again to keep you updated on my progress.